so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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