Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
