Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
false alarm. still invincible.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
