dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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