don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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