My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
