The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
