So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
