Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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