Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize