i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
