So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
