If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
