I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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