Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
