I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
