Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
