Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
