I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
