just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
