i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
