i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
