I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
