New low: just hacked my moms facebook
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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