Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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