I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
