Your dad touched me again.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
