Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
