well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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