Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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