and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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