Sober January is a disaster.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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