i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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