You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
