He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Who died my cat blue again?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
