My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
