Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
