his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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