So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
