i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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