But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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