If i come over, it means nothing
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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