I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
