i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
