it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
