I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
