on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
