I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
