Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
