He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
