your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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