Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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