they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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