I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
