Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Randomize
