I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
