The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
