I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I am available for nakedness
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