My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
